Barbara Jean Comeaux Johansen April 23, 1952- October 4, 2007

I never realized how hard it could be to go through Christmas after losing a loved one. It has been very hard lately for me. Perhaps, because I have more time to reflect now, or because more of Gram's affairs are being settled and "closure" (if you can call it that) is nearing. Sometimes the simplest thing can trigger the waterworks now- an object, a song, a picture, a prayer, a thought. It is hard to allow myself to think about her; because I get tired of crying- just mentally, emotionally, physically tired. Stepping out of bed onto a pile of tissues with eyes that are swollen and burning is just not my cup of tea.

Ironically, Gram's funeral was the best funeral I had ever attended. I didn't cry then. There were too many other people that needed to know everything would be ok. And in the end, it is. Really we are grieving for ourselves and each other, not her. She did plenty in her life and always focused on others. I had stacks of sympathy cards for weeks in the mail from people I had never heard of wanting to tell me what my mother meant to them. I rationalize her death at such an early age by thinking she had already earned her place in heaven. I am glad her suffering is over; but am sad for us. I grieve for the holidays and birthdays and special events that we will never get to share with her again. I feel lost when I leave a doctor's appointment, or open a report card and cannot call her to give updates.

I am blessed to have chosen a husband that is of such similar mind to my mother. When he'd give me advice that I didn't like, I'd call Mom and she'd give me that same exact advice! Frustrating, but now I know I can just ask Kerry and he'll tell me what she would want me to do. He is my rock and my haven.

I've noticed that when someone leaves such a gaping hole in your life, it is easy to try to find things with which to fill that hole. You feel like you just need more of anything and everything, but really nothing satisfies the longing to be with that person again. Perhaps time- more memories with loved ones. I don't know; but I hope I can figure it out soon.

One last wonderful gift Gram gave us was a great Comeaux family reunion. I think we all realize how important it is to spend more time with our loved ones. The Comeaux family is extensive and I certainly don't get to see enough of them. The reception after Mom's funeral was like a big party! And I really do hope that people will celebrate her life as we did that day. She was a favorite to all.

The night Mom died, I was at the hospice with my aunts, Rene' and Karen. Mom was asleep and we were waiting on Trey to arrive before we left for the evening. Boredome ensued and I decided to play "Barbara Pictionary" on her dry-erase board. All of the answers were related to Mom- bowling, volleyball, chipping Wade's tooth with the telephone... It was actually a very fun walk down memory lane, and I can't help but think Mom was listening and laughing at us. The last thing I drew was this picture of the butterflies in my garden. Trey, Rene', and I all kissed Mom goodnight and left Karen to her big comfy recliner. Within ten minutes she was calling me to come back and Mom was gone before I got back to her room.

My first thought was, "Not today. Not on Max's birthday." But Mom had been very aware all week of his upcoming birthday- checking on the day and date, making sure Kerry picked up her present for him. In some way I think she wanted to be around for his birthday. Of course, she got to see all of her siblings, her children, and many coworkers and friends. Even her boss was in from Atlanta. She probably had 20 or more people by daily to see her. Of course, after spending six very special weeks with us in Austin, she asked me to bring her back home to say goodbye.